Lay-by

Not, as you might think, a set of rail tracks by the side of the road. This is actually a peculiar artifact that is still embedded in much of Australia's retail industry. The concept is that you 'buy' somethng, only you don't have the money. With me so far?

So what you do is take it to the lay-by counter where they put it on a shelf for you. You don't get to take it away. The idea is that you come back and make regular payments until it's fully paid off, then you can walk out with the product.

Outside observers may be puzzled by this strategy. After all, what's the matter with just leaving the product on the regular shelf instead and just saving up money? After all, by the time you've got the money it'll probably be cheaper, or they'll be a better one, or you might have no need of the product any longer.

I don't really understand it. The flimsy premise of lay-by appears to be that you might buy something 'on special' so you get the price you want, without paying credit charges. I think it has it's roots in the days of the labour-based economy where it was normal to be paid on a weekly basis. These days, even if you did get paid weekly, you'd buy it on your credit card and just pay your credit card off by the end of the month and not pay charges, surely?

Lest you think this is some quirky service that never gets used, if you were to visit any of the major department stores in the cities, you would find quite a substantial space set aside for lay-by. Staff manning a counter, paperwork or computer records and of course shelves of space given over to boxes of products that no one had the money for...

As with many things in Australia, it's just been happening for so long that no one appears to have noticed how silly it is. I don't blame the retailers for doing it, it's clear it ups their sales, allows them to provide a purchase rush for customers without the funds and a correspondingly high chance they will forcefully save up and obtain their lay-by.

I'm just baffled why the customers can't see how there's absolutely no benefit to themselves whatsoever... I guess they just notch it up as another price of doing business in Australia like credit card surcharges, charges for using cash machines (I'm not joking) and my favorite - charges for daring to buy something in a currency that isn't Australian dollars.

Little wonder that the vampire banks are doing alright in Australia eh? They've got their own captive village of idiots happy to let themselves be bled dry because that's the way it's always happened.

Power Trips Down Under

One thing I never really got used to when I left Australia, was the notion that people in authority like the police, for example, could actually be normal people. I say this because when I grew up, the police were sub-human scum on power trips. So meeting British coppers that would chat about the weather was quite remarkable.

Of course I forgot that but had a bit of a rude awakening since coming back to Australia. I've run into official jobsworths enjoying making your life a misery in so many positions. Most recently an off-duty policeman tried to brow-beat me because I parked my car out the back of a dive shop for 3 minutes (at the request of the dive shop owner). Threatened me with a ticket, bad language, all sorts of utter ranting nonsense. Soon as I asked him to point out where the actual signs were that indicated I was illegally parked (I was beginning to get annoyed), he just said 'piss off' and that was that. Irritating but a reminder.

Then I ran across the following post on an ex-pat forum which I've edited. It's absolutely remarkable. Australians who read this might shrug and go well, thems the rules. Anyone else in the world would find it astounding. This is a good example of the bizarre authoritarian regime that pervades Australian society. Are you prepared for it? If so, read on...

I have been here for three years and have not had to use the public transport system, but because Chisholm is right opposite the station and parking is limited, and yes, because I wanted to do my bit for the environment, I chose to catch the train from Mordialloc to Frankston and back, rather than drive the car.

Today, my SECOND day, I was on my way home on the train, on my mobile, sharing a lovely joke with my hubby, when this burly women in uniform approaches me. I smiled at her, offered her my ticket as I assumed that was what she wanted to check and continued to chat to hubby. She just stands there. I look at her confused and she said, 'Do you realise it is an offence to put your feet on the seats?' Now, to be honest I hadn't even realised that I had put my feet on the seat (I must have just slouched down after a long day of college and just 'put my feet up') and when she approached me I had sat straight up (I was taught that when you speak to someone, you sit up and look straight at them, not slouch around), so I don't know if she thought that was an admission of guilt, but I said, incredulously, 'No' and apologised immediately (and quickly ended the conversation with hubby). I seriously could not believe that putting your feet on the seat was an actual offence. She then became very authorative with me and informed me that there were 'signs everywhere' and 'haven't you ridden on a train before'. 'No', I said, 'I have only been in the country for three years and haven't had to before now. I have just started college and this is my second day' By now, I am frantically looking for the signs telling me that if I do this heinous thing, I am going to be committing at an offence. I look at the 'signs' which are blue and orange diagrams of a number of things with red stripes through them - hardly enough to get the message across. Then she says that she is an official of the Department of Transport (lest I hadn't noticed - and dear god, the POWER, the POWER!!!), and that as such she was obliged to write up the offence. I asked what that meant and she said that the notice would be sent to the Department of Transport. Again I said, 'And what does that mean, what will they do with the notice?', innocently thinking that it would be logged on some database that is kept of people who habitually abuse trains. But oh no, it would be sent to the Department Of Transport, who, in 4-6 weeks time would write to me, detailing my offence and sending me a fine. Yes, a f***ing FINE!!!! You have got to be kidding me. I suddenly got very frustrated. I just burst into tears and raised my voice. 'You have got to be kidding me,' I said. 'No, I am not', she said, 'you have committed an offence and I am legally bound to cite you.'

'Are you kidding, I said, 'Are you telling that part of the tax I pay is paying you to police the trains, to make people like me who opt to use public transport pay fines, whilst issues like domestic violence, child abuse and the disabled go with so little funding.' (Bare in mind, I have just started a course, and will eventually have a career, in social work).

My loud voice obviously raised alarms as just then another large uniformed man flanked her. By this stage, I felt like a criminal (for putting my f***ing feet on the chair!!). I couldn't believe this, it was like being in a nightmare!!!

I would like to interject that I am one of two (yes, two) people in the compartment on the train, with another maybe five people in the other along. It wasn't like I was preventing someone from sitting down, although I realise that wasn't the issue! I have never felt more intimidated.

She then asks me for some form of identification (my mind is reeling, I am actually being asked for identification for putting my feet on a chair, which I immediately removed upon approach. I can't believe this - can I get arrested if I refuse?) By now, I am openly crying and feeling more sick than I have ever felt before. I didn't want to give them the satisfaction, but if I don't cry, I would go ferral, and I knew that would get me arrested, so I give in, I hand over my licence. She writes down all the information and hands it back to me. It occurs to me I should ask what I'm in for since my hubby will want to know. She says, 'I think it is around $170 for the first offence.' '$170!! $170!!,' I shout, 'For putting my feet on the chair?!' She then asks me, (rather loudly) 'Would you let someone put their feet up on your chair at home?' To which I reply, 'If someone did, I would ask them politely to put them on the floor, not ask for $170 for doing it! And then, if they didn't comply, perhaps a stronger word would be needed.' They weren't having it. I asked for her details as I am going to fight this, she didn't have paper (It appears the only paper they carry is the ones they cite you with ) so I had to give her some. She sweetly smiles and says, 'Thank you'. As she left she said that she had put my extenuating circumstances (i.e. At college, 2nd time on train) in the notice and that they may not send the fine, but if they do, I have the right to appeal it and with that they, and the other burly uniformed man watching from the other end of the train, hopped off the train, leaving me to feel humiliated and contemplating how the hell I am going to find $170. I swear to god, if I owned a gun....

I had to walk a block to my car (because they fine so much for parking here, I am EXTRA careful to park legally) and I couldn't breathe from frustration. I swear a man walked past me and hesitated. I think I looked like I had been attacked or something, I was crying so hysterically - just purely from the frustration of it all.

Of course, on the way home, a five minute journey, I HAD to make sure I did not speed, because dear God, 3k's over the limit and I'm done for, so there I am between tears of frustration and not being able to breathe, trying to drive home constantly checking the frigging speedometer to make sure I don't go over the frigging speed limit. I have NEVER been so angry.

I came home, phoned hubby and begged to go back to the UK. Right now, give me the awful economy, snow blizzards and council estates any day. We survived the plague, for God's sake!!!! At least we aren't so over-regulated that people are publicly humiliated on trains!!!